Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Searching for Gratitude
If I have seemed to have been
preoccupied with death and dying recently, I think it’s because death and dying
have been preoccupied with me. I have a
tendency to be a bit morose on the best of days, so cover me in a shroud of
mourning and mortality and watch me devolve into what can best be described as “the
dark place.” Since the first of August, my
family has lost my sister, my mother, my uncle and just a week ago, my
cousin. Meanwhile, my Dad has been
dealing with ongoing health issues and now my brother is in the hospital for
the week of Thanksgiving.
Yes, I’ve been in “the dark
place.” It’s not very pretty here, and
I’m not very fun to be around. I’ve
been describing my thought process lately as “Swiss cheese,” with big empty
holes where logic or short term memory used to reside. My mind is muddy, and my self-pity has been
keeping me from finding my way out.
I would be content enough to wallow in all this for a good long
while, I think. It’s an excuse for
lots of things. I can be anti-social,
sullen, sarcastic, bitter…and it’s so easily explained by my loss rather than just
being my “go-to” place when I’m not happy with myself. Like the crutch of “comfort food” (and I
went there too…with gleeful and gluttonous abandon), playing the “woe is me”
card is the easy way to deal.
After the punch in the gut of a loved one’s death, sometimes you
need another punch in the gut to wake up.
On Monday afternoon, Shelby called to tell us that one of her fellow
music majors had died Sunday night in a house fire. I had seen the
news reports that day and seen the smoldering rubble on television. The report was that three had survived but
one had not. Turns out that the woman
had three children (ages 12, 8 and 5) which she got out of the house, but then
she returned to save the family dog and never came back. Horrible as this is, we learned that her husband
had died in late August of heart disease.
So now these kids have lost their father, their mother and all
their earthly possessions in the course of 3 months. The
immensity of this just breaks my heart. I know how hard it has
been for me to deal with death in the last few months, but at their age…to
watch their mother go back inside that smoking home and not return…the fear and
pain must be immeasurable.
For the first time since Mom died I was sincerely overcome by incredible
gratitude that I had been able to have her in my life for as long as I
did. I was able to see past the loss of
the moment and see how fortunate I was.
She was there for me through so many important moments in my life. She was able to share her special kindness and
love with my children, who are old enough to have those memories and carry her
with them for the rest of their lives.
Over the course of my life, I received so many smiles and so many
hugs.
I am grateful on this first Thanksgiving without her, that I have so
many Thanksgiving memories of her. Mom
was the warm heart of our family, and she gave a piece of herself to each of
us. My self-pity would not honor
her.
Last weekend I was cleaning up messages on my phone and was
grateful to find two with my mother’s sweet voice speaking to me. One
was wishing me a happy birthday last year and the other was from this summer
when she was checking in to see if I was okay. She always worried over us. She worried about me travelling and flying
so much. I’m grateful she doesn’t have
to worry any more.
This has been the hardest year of my life. Sometimes it seemed like too much, but that’s
only because when I look back, my burden had been pretty light for the most part and I hadn’t
built up the strength to carry a heavy load. I should
be grateful for that. I’ve had a great
life. I’ve been blessed with loving
parents and siblings, an incredible wife, wonderful children, and good
friends. When I start to stoop from the
load I’m carrying, they lift me up. The
faith my parents instilled in me lifts me up as well. If I just let go, my burden will be light
once again.
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