The Far Better Half

One of the most difficult things for me as a father has been to balance what I want for my daughters with what makes them happy.   My primary goal so far has been to keep them safe.   I’m sure they think that if I had my way, they would all be living in a bunker deep in the ground, or in the tallest tower of a far away castle.   In truth, this would be appropriate because they are my Princesses, despite the fact that I am in no way a King.

One of our goals as parents has always been to give our girls a strong self esteem.   We didn’t want them to go looking for their self-worth in a man, because a lot of men prey on young women who crave even the slightest bit of attention.   These men can easily take advantage of that lack of self worth and eventually they take complete control.    This was not a life we wanted for our daughters.

As I look back on my life as a father, I realize that I have done a few things right, but many things wrong.   I was probably too over-protective (although, in my defense, they have been largely injury free!).  I did not set a good example regarding diet and exercise.  I was sarcastic when I should have been sincere.    I was jokey when I should have been honest.

It’s amazing, miraculous even, that they have turned out as wonderful as they have.   They are good kids.   Better people than me.  Better people than most (yeah, I am not very objective on this subject). 

I owe much of this to the Grace of God, who gifted me with them in the first place and then didn’t let me mess them up too much.    They also have a great support system in their extended family, who love and support them unconditionally.    Finally, they have their mother, the best choice I ever made both for them and myself.  

I see Connie in all the good things about my daughters, which fortunately outweigh the faults they got from me.  They are careful, but not paranoid.  They are sarcastic, but caring.   They can joke and play, but know when to be serious.   They like pizza AND salad!

A good marriage, and a successful family, is based on teamwork.    While I find myself usually out in left field, Connie is our most valuable player, and also our Coach, team doctor and our cheering section.   Without her, we wouldn’t know how to play.

I hope my daughters understand that why I love their mother so much is that she doesn’t need me.   That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me, but that she doesn’t need my constant approval to make her happy.   She is her own person, and she has her own interests.  She doesn’t think she’s as awesome as I know she is, but she has a healthy self-esteem.   She stands up for herself when she needs to and she will sacrifice for others without giving all of herself away.  

She is comfortable in a crowd, and can light up a room, but her favorite place is sitting quietly in a field in the mountains.   She has an adventurous heart, tempered by logic not to do something insanely dangerous.   She hikes for the journey, not the destination.

I hope my girls remember that she is never too tired for them.  No matter how late it is or how little sleep she has had, she listens intently to whatever story they think is important enough to share.   As my “Dad Hearing” ability to tune out chatter becomes stronger with age, she hears everything they say and remembers.   She understands more than most of us that nothing is unimportant when it comes to your child.

In case I’ve made her pedestal a bit too high, let me say that she’s not completely perfect.   She doesn’t believe me when I tell her how beautiful she is.    She doesn’t understand that I think she’s one the smartest, most capable people I have ever met (and at my age, I’ve met a lot of people…and a lot of them have been VERY smart and VERY capable).    She doesn’t grasp how proud I am to be her husband and anytime I don’t show it is due to my issues and not hers.

So, as my daughters get older and are reaching crossroads in their lives, I hope they pray for guidance and listen carefully for the answers they should hear and not what they want to hear.   I hope they think about the example set by their Mother.   I hope they appreciate her as much as they should.  

It seems so little to say, but here it is,   "Connie...my wife, my love, the amazing mother of my children...Thank You…"

Searching for Gratitude

 

If I seem to have been preoccupied with death and dying recently, I think it’s because death and dying have been preoccupied with me.   I have a tendency to be a bit morose on the best of days, so cover me in a shroud of mourning and mortality and watch me devolve into what can best be described as “the dark place.”  Since the first of August, my family has lost my sister, my mother, my uncle and just a week ago, my cousin.   Meanwhile, my Dad has been dealing with ongoing health issues and now my brother is in the hospital for the week of Thanksgiving.  

 

Yes, I’ve been in “the dark place.”    It’s not very pretty here, and I’m not very fun to be around.    I’ve been describing my thought process lately as “Swiss cheese,” with big empty holes where logic or short term memory used to reside.    My mind is muddy, and my self-pity has been keeping me from finding my way out.

 

I would be content enough to wallow in all this for a good long while, I think.    It’s an excuse for lots of things.    I can be anti-social, sullen, sarcastic, bitter…and it’s so easily explained by my loss rather than just being my “go-to” place when I’m not happy with myself.    Like the crutch of “comfort food” (and I went there too…with gleeful and gluttonous abandon), playing the “woe is me” card is the easy way to deal.

 

After the punch in the gut of a loved one’s death, sometimes you need another punch in the gut to wake up.   On Monday afternoon, Shelby called to tell us that one of her fellow music majors had died Sunday night in a house fire.   I had seen the news reports that day and seen the smoldering rubble on television.   The report was that three had survived but one had not.   Turns out that the woman had three children (ages 12, 8 and 5) which she got out of the house, but then she returned to save the family dog and never came back.     Horrible as this is, we learned that her husband had died in late August of heart disease.  

 

So now these kids have lost their father, their mother and all their earthly possessions in the course of 3 months.    The immensity of this just breaks my heart.   I know how hard it has been for me to deal with death in the last few months, but at their age…to watch their mother go back inside that smoking home and not return…the fear and pain must be immeasurable.  

 

For the first time since Mom died I was sincerely overcome by incredible gratitude that I had been able to have her in my life for as long as I did.   I was able to see past the loss of the moment and see how fortunate I was.   She was there for me through so many important moments in my life.    She was able to share her special kindness and love with my children, who are old enough to have those memories and carry her with them for the rest of their lives.   

 

Over the course of my life, I received so many smiles and so many hugs.  

 

I am grateful on this first Thanksgiving without her, that I have so many Thanksgiving memories of her.   Mom was the warm heart of our family, and she gave a piece of herself to each of us.   My self-pity would not honor her.   

 

Last weekend I was cleaning up messages on my phone and was grateful to find two with my mother’s sweet voice speaking to me.   One was wishing me a happy birthday last year and the other was from this summer when she was checking in to see if I was okay.    She always worried over us.   She worried about me travelling and flying so much.    I’m grateful she doesn’t have to worry any more.

 

This has been the hardest year of my life.   Sometimes it seemed like too much, but that’s only because when I look back, my burden had been pretty light for the most part and I hadn’t built up the strength to carry a heavy load.    I should be grateful for that.   I’ve had a great life.    I’ve been blessed with loving parents and siblings, an incredible wife, wonderful children, and good friends.   When I start to stoop from the load I’m carrying, they lift me up.   The faith my parents instilled in me lifts me up as well.    If I just let go, my burden will be light once again.

 

I have so much to be thankful for.