Survival of the Species

More than forty five years after the publication of Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique, and with the Sexual Revolution continuing to rage against job classifications, unequal pay and harassment in the workplace, it’s comforting to know that there are still some members of the fairer gender who have a burning desire to be a Mom. Forget annihilation through wars or global warming, the possibility that all women might toss aside motherhood for the satisfactions of career advancement would have been the true death blow to humanity.

Last year I was hopeful. Two strong women forged a path to some of the highest offices in our nation. When Hillary Clinton ran for President and Sarah Palin ran for Vice President, the message seemed be, “You can have it all!” Both were successful, strong and more importantly…mothers. Sarah took that message several steps further by having five children, the youngest born while she served as Governor of Alaska! It seemed inevitable that one of these women would land in the White House, finally proving that mothers truly are the most powerful people in the world.

Sadly, both of these women lost their bids for election, and the primary reason had to be the medieval notion that motherhood would only hold a woman back. It couldn’t have been anything else.

I grew concerned that there would be a drastic drop in pregnancies after the election. Women would realize that childbirth would mark them for failure. The distractions of raising children would draw focus away from other, more important things. Choices had to be made, lines had to be drawn, and birth control adhered to religiously.

And in one hundred and fifty years…our planet would be ruled by the monkeys. Charleston Heston would be proven right. Damned dirty apes, indeed.

But in January 2009, Nadya Suleman attempted to repopulate the world all by herself. In what seemed to be a one woman effort to establish motherhood domination, she added to her already large brood of six by giving birth to eight more. Like any good Superhero or Super heroine, she even has her own cool comic book name: OCTOMOM! Single, jobless and bankrupt, her motto isn’t “you can have it all,” but “if you give birth, money will come.” Young women everywhere are following in her fine example by offering fertility clinics 25% of the profits on all future book deals, reality shows, photo shoots and mall appearances...if they will only pump them full of embryos. The race to see who can have nine, ten or better yet, an even dozen babies is on. The winner gets a replica of the Partridge Family bus and a plastic surgery gift card to remove up to 15 pounds of overstretched tummy skin.


With the credibility of motherhood reestablished, other women are stepping into the limelight as well. Publicity shy Angelina Jolie, who has quietly adopted over six hundred children in the last 10 years, shocked the entertainment industry and tabloid journalists recently with the news that she had given birth to twins in July of 2008. In the last few months, she has announced the desire to adopt more children, claiming that she has plenty of money to hire staff to love and care for her kids. (Brad Pitt stands quietly in the background, holding two toddlers and a diaper bag and thinks "I gave up Jennifer Anniston for this?")

Not to be outdone, Madonna ditched her husband so she could have more love to give to another adopted child. On a dual mission to save children from a lifestyle of poverty and oppression while also sleeping with as many Dominican baseball players as possible, her time is limited, but her dedication is steadfast. Undeterred by an African judge’s ruling that she not be able to adopt a young girl, Madonna promises to continue fighting until she can take that child home and hug her to her cone shaped chest. There truly is nothing quite like a mother’s love.

Finally, I heard this week the news that dreams of motherhood can tame even the wildest hearts. It is being reported that Amy Winehouse is considering adoption. Although, she would love to have children on her own, she unfortunately sold her uterus in 2007 for three rocks of crack cocaine. Also, she is very afraid what a pregnancy might do for the artistic integrity of her various tattoos.

As these ladies are celebrated in the media, set forth as examples of maternal love and selfless existence, I know that now I can rest easy, secure in the knowledge that motherhood, and therefore the survival of the species, has been restored to its rightful glory. Bless their hearts.