Video-drone

I’m not fond of the term “couch potato.” First, a potato has no arms, so it would be incapable of either using a remote control or reaching for snacks. Second, without a brain it’s just a starchy tuber, unable to master the complexity of multiple technological gadgets. I have four remotes on my end table and the exact order of use, menu options and necessary interactions require what is the equivalent to a Master’s degree in quantum mechanics (and that’s not counting the additional learning curve required to fire up the Wii). No, my living room is not a playground for veggies. It’s serious stuff.

However, I am not offended by the term “TV junkie,” although I’m sure I should be. It would be dishonest (and easily proven false) for me to say that I do not love television. I’ve been a watcher all of my life, starting with my parents old black and white console and continuing to my current home which has a TV in almost every room except the bathroom (and I have considered that, but I am afraid it will cut down on my already limited reading time).

Now, I know that a lot of people will argue that too much television is a bad thing, and I’d agree. You have to sleep…that’s a basic human need. Work too, is important. Without those paychecks, the power would be cut off, and eventually some kind of eviction would take place, removing me from my home and the televisions. So…there has to be a balance.

I was speaking to someone the other day who said they do not own a television. She said she didn’t need it. She had cats. My first thought was, “those must be some mighty entertaining felines,” but I knew that there could be no comparison. Cat’s would never wear a puffy shirt, or eat Kerosene pickles, or boldly go where no cat has gone before. No, the cat lady went into my mental file cabinet, labeled the same as everyone else who says that they don’t own a television is classified, “eccentric and weird.”

Like everything else that’s either good or bad for you, there have been improvements over the years. When I was a kid, we had an antenna on a pole attached to the side of our house. If one of our four channels did not come in clearly, we opened the den window, reached out and turned the antenna. Simple fixes for simpler times.

Now, I have digital high definition cable. 450 advertised channels (although two hundred of those are music channels, which I do not classify as television). The rest are split between the regular versions of cable channels and the HD versions. Then there are the multiple versions of MTV, VH1, Discovery, ESPN, Disney and HGTV, most of which hold little to no interest for me. By the time it all narrows down, there are about six channels that I watch consistently. That’s two more than I watched when I was a kid for free. Now I pay over $100 per month. That’s called “progress.”

Still, I have my shows that I do not want to miss, and the one piece of technological genius that I have fallen in love with is my DVR. No more blank VHS tapes and tricky timer settings for me. Just label a show a “favorite” and the DVR will record all the episodes. This works great, as long as the kids don’t do the same for “Suite Life of Zach and Cody” and “Hannah Montana.” Disney airs episodes of these shows constantly, so the DVR space will fill up in less than a day. (This situation has been dealt with in my home. I would explain further, but we agreed as a family not to discuss it anymore).

The best thing about recording our shows on the DVR is that we have the ability to fast forward through the commercials. We can skip through a half hour show in less than twenty minutes, and a full hour show in less than forty five. When you watch a lot of television, that’s important. That gives us extra time to do something as a family, or take a nap.

Because I’m sure you are dying to know what my “don’t miss” shows are right now, I’ve made a little list. I keep telling myself that if I stuck to this list and did something productive with the rest of my free time, I’d probably accomplish something, but that’s the problem with TV addiction…you stare at the screen even when there’s nothing worthwhile flashing across it.

Monday:
How I Met Your Mother (I’ve been a fan since day one. Definitely under-rated and absolutely Legen---wait for it—dary)
The Big Bang Theory (funniest show on television right now and a family favorite)

Tuesday:
NCIS (what can I say, that Mark Harmon is sexy)
Biggest Loser (great to watch while gorging on pizza rolls and ice cream, especially if you want to hate yourself in the morning)

Wednesday:
The Middle (brand new and already a family favorite. Second funniest show on TV. The whispering kid kills me!)
Glee (words cannot express how much I love this show)

Thursday:
Bones (this is the one show on the list I do not watch regularly, but should. I love this show and the characters. Better than any of the CSI shows)
The Office (not as great as it used to be...but neither am I)
30 Rock (the previous funniest show on TV is still funny…and I never get tired of Tina Fey or Alec Baldwin)

Friday:
Monk (an old friend that will soon go away. He was the one person more weird than me. What will I do when he’s gone?)
Psych (funnier than most sitcoms, our family watches this…and Monk…together. If there were no other reason, that would still make it one of my favorite shows)

Saturday:
Saturday Night Live (almost always more “miss” than “hit,” I still like to see when it knocks one out of the park. Thank goodness for the DVR, I don’t have to stay up late anymore to watch it)

Sunday:
I have no great love for the shows of Sunday night, so I give my eyes a rest (or catch up on shows I’ve recorded).

Of course, this list does not include 24 or Lost, which don’t start until after the first of the year, but it’s a pretty good list. Like I said, it’s not as bad as I thought. When I honestly looked at the schedule, these are the only shows I really feel the urge to see each week.


That leads me to a bigger question. What do I do with the rest of my time?