Orlando Vacation pt 1

We just returned from our third family trip to Orlando and I am sure it will take me a while to recover.   It certainly was not a bad experience, but I definitely returned home far more exhausted than when I left.   I don’t know what the original purpose of a “vacation” was supposed to be, but I don’t think it left you ready to return to work so you could get some rest.

It was 656 miles from our door in Oak Ridge to the hotel in Orlando.   Our plan was to leave at 4am, and since everyone was excited about the adventure ahead of us, we were actually packed and in the car, pulling out of the driveway at 3:59!     Somehow, the girls slept for 90% of the 12 hour trip; only waking for a Cracker Barrel breakfast stop and a few rest area pee breaks.   It was a quiet drive but tiring. 

That evening we went to the Florida Mall because there aren’t enough places to shop in Tennessee and we needed to walk a few miles under fluorescent lights for no reason.  

Sunday morning we were parking in Disney’s Magic Kingdom parking lot (which I’m pretty sure is bigger than our town) by 8:30am so we could get in the park when it opened at nine.   The line at the ticket booth should have been a clue for what the day would be like.   Then the line to get on the monorail should have confirmed it.     My hopes for minimal crowds because it was fall and the “off-season” were being slowly crushed in the shoulder to shoulder sardine can search for Disney magic. 

Shelby had a plan for attacking the park, and I was more than happy to give up control.   It’s kind of exhausting to be in control of everyone’s happiness.   Planning a trip and trying to satisfy everyone is like wrapping your arms around two dozen helium balloons and trying to keep any from flying away.    I told her to lead and I’d gleefully follow.   We hurried to the back of the park to experience “Splash Mountain.”    Since lines for it get longer through the day, it was wise to get there early.   

Let me pause here to give a brief explanation:   I love theme parks.   I love the logistics.  I love the design and structure of rides.   However, in general, I do not ride them.   I have battled severe motion sickness for my entire life, so even the use of Dramamine doesn’t always ensure my ability to ride anything that spins, drops, loops or shakes.   It’s a risk I’ve learned not to take, because I don’t want my illness to affect everyone else’s good time.   I enjoy the park through their experience.     I am also the designated “bag” holder, which is a very important role…(seriously).

Fortunately, I’m a major “people watcher,” and there is always a consistent and entertaining flow of people to watch at a theme park (Dollywood wins the prize in this field, but any theme park has its virtues). 

When they got off of Splash Mountain, all laughing and wet and happy, I gave them their bags and we quickly followed Shelby to the next target on her agenda.    I don’t actually remember the next hour because they were a blur of running from one end of the park to the other, finding attractions that were showing up on her Iphone App as having shorter lines.   I did ride the Haunted Mansion, because even little kids and people with weak stomachs can handle that one.  That and Pirates of the Caribbean are the only two rides I planned to ride that day.   They are my speed.

 By 10:30am Shelby realized that the crowds were so thick that any real planning was pointless.   Everything was busy.    The good rides had lines of at least an hour and usually 90 minutes.   Even the lines to lesser attractions were lengthy. 

I know this is hard to believe, but I became a bit surly.   I’m not a crowd person, and I don’t like lines.    Magic Kingdom is the oldest of the Orlando theme parks and it shows in the way traffic flow is designed.   I am sure it was inconceivable for Walt Disney and his architects at the time to imagine the incredible number of attendee’s flowing through their gates and walking their narrow paths in 2014.    They didn’t foresee double-wide strollers and oblivious people on their smart phones rudely stopping in a high traffic area to do a selfie.   

It is a beautiful place…a magical place…it actually brought a tear to my lovely wife’s eye as she walked in.    It is immaculately clean and staffed with consistently friendly, considerate employees.    Without a doubt, it is one of the best managed places I have ever been.  

But by 3:30 that afternoon, I kinda hated it.

Originally I thought the park was closing by 6pm…7pm at the latest.    But no…Disney does everything better than anyone else…so their day lasts until 1am!    While this is certainly a bargain for a family that has just paid out over $500 for five one day tickets, all I could think of as the hot afternoon drug on was how tired I was getting…and how bad my feet were hurting from that hard concrete…and how long those stupid lines were.   

Rather than walking around aimlessly from long line we didn’t want to wait in to another long line we didn’t want wait in, we decided to start going to attractions that were not as attractive anymore.   Despite the girls having said that morning that they didn’t want to do “Hall of Presidents” (because it was “boring”), they did not put up a fight when we said we could be out of the heat and in air conditioning for about 30 minutes.   I think I fell asleep for a few minutes during the Presidential roll call and robot head nod.  I’m pretty sure we all did.

After that we tried to do the Pirates of the Caribbean ride (one of the few rides I can do), but it had shivered its timbers somehow and was not available.   In desperation, we did “Country Bears.”    For nostalgia purposes, I hope they never get rid of Country Bears.  It is one of the original Magic Kingdom attractions.    Everyone should see it once out of sheer respect.   This was the third time in my lifetime.   It made me want to go hunting.

Despite their ages, the girls still get excited about seeing the Disney Princesses and characters.   They each have their favorites.   Shelby loves Belle.   Taylor loves Ariel.   Ashlyn loves Peter Pan.    We couldn’t hook up with Belle, but they did get their picture with Gaston (and in the tradition of good girls liking bad boys, they decided he was good looking enough to overlook his dark heart).   We also saw Ariel and Peter Pan, along with Donald Duck, Goofy and some others.    I loved watching their excitement as they stood next to a person pretending to be an animated character.   THAT is the real magic of Disney.   

As darkness fell across the park and cooler air replaced the oppressive heat, I found myself bearing the crowds slightly better.  The lines relaxed a little and the girls did Space Mountain while Connie and I waited on a welcoming bench. 

We tried one last time to ride Pirates of the Caribbean but it was still broken.   While the girls waited in another line Connie and I rode the steamboat around Tom Sawyer Island.   Away from the crowds and most of the noise, with the dark water beneath us and the lights of the park all around, it was my favorite part of the day.

Around 10 o’clock the crowd gathered for the Disney celebration light show and then the fireworks.   Like everything else they do, Disney excels at spectacle and despite my exhaustion and frustration; I looked up at the castle and the sky like a little kid.   Awed and amazed at the magic of imagery and music.   It was a great end to the day.

Yes, the end…because Bless their hearts…the girls said we didn’t have to stay until closing.   I think they were tired too, but maybe they just took pity on their old Dad.    Disney had given us a good long day.    Worth the money despite many rides unridden and many princesses unseen.     That night, after collapsing into bed and falling asleep instantly, I was haunted by dreams of strollers blocking me at every turn.   There was no escape.