Krystal Why Fi?

So I’m driving through town yesterday and I pass the sign for Krystal restaurant and notice that they’ve added a banner with the words “Free Wi-Fi.” If you aren’t familiar with Krystal, it’s the slightly greasier cousin of the more famous White Castle. Same little burger and little rounded buns, same tiny onions, same gastronomical devastation.

What struck me as funny about “Free Wi-Fi” at the Krystal is the notion that anyone would spend long enough inside to fire up their laptop and check even one email. I’m sure the manager or powers that be thought it was a great marketing tool, and I wish them the best in that regard, but seriously…do they expect the smell of greasy onions and cheese fries to be conducive to work or general web browsing? I’ve stepped inside a Krystal once in my life and I had to take a hot shower soon after to remove the sheen of rendered animal fat that hung thick in the air and attached to my skin and clothes like Vaseline.

I imagine the keyboard on my laptop growing slick and then sticky in the oily atmosphere. The screen will become gauzy and then drip with goo. Warranties will be voided due to ignoring Chapter 9, sub-section D of the fine print, which deals with reckless exposure to toxic environments. I have to wonder, is the combination of a cheese Krystal and a Twitter update so irresistible?

Don’t get me wrong, I love little greasy burgers. I visited White Castles often throughout college, and never seemed to learn that gobbling down a half dozen at 2am was not a good tonic for a restful night’s sleep. When I moved to Tennessee, Connie introduced me to Krystals, and just as I eventually became a fan of the Vols and a lover of the Smoky Mountains, I became a fan of the little Krystal cheeseburger as well.

As I have grown older and become a father, my tastes have changed somewhat and the siren call of Krystal is usually drowned out by my responsibility to my children, my health and my community. It’s just not a good thing to eat something that is so cheap and small enough that you can order them by the sack-full and swallow without the necessity of chewing. Frankly, I’m a bit surprised that the Surgeon General has not required a label on the package stating that they might be hazardous to your health.

So that is why, when I think of Krystal, I think of it as a Drive-Thru place, not a sit down and take my computer out place. When the overwhelming desire for a Krystal burger strikes, I’ll rent a car and put on a disguise, hoping that none of my daughter’s high school friends are working the window. Then I’ll find a dark, quiet hiding place to secretly devour my sack-full of gut-busters. History proves, however, that the tasty satisfied feeling will only last through the first three or four empty boxes, and is quickly followed by deep regret and a sour, greasy shame.

As for Wi-Fi, I’ll stick to Panera Bread or Starbucks. Give me a nice cup of coffee and a Banana-Nut muffin; hold the Onion Rings and greasy fingers.