Choices

I have a lot of time to think as I sit in my lonely hotel rooms, night after night. Extensive travel can make you thoughtful (and also verbose and a little bit crazy, so my apologies for the way I continue to unload my scattered thoughts into these notes). It gives me time to consider a lot of things I might not have told my daughters, and if I did tell them, I’m not sure I articulated it well. Certainly, my example in a lot of the life lessons I want to convey has not been the best. I’m lousy with money, not nearly as good a friend as I want to be, and career wise, let’s just say I flew way off course from anything I ever considered in the first half of my life. I’ve learned a few things, and still learning. I'm still making mistakes too, but hopefully not the same ones over and over.

We might not be selfish enough to think about it, or certainly to admit it, but we each live in our own world. No matter how charitable, sacrificial and selfless we think we are, we still see the world through our own eyes. We touch with our own skin. We feel with our own heart. Every perception is different. Every vantage point gives a slightly different view. We are individuals. We each make our own choices and we each deal with the repercussions in our own way. At the end of the road, we’ll have no one to blame for our final destination but ourselves.

Despite all the outside influences and things that are totally out of our control, it is the decisions we make ourselves that truly shape our world.

• Who your friends are… Your choice of friends can either build you up or tear you down. Choose wisely. Sometimes a “good” friend is not good for you. Don’t change your values because they make it look appealing. Also, it’s easy to say that it doesn’t matter what other people think…and in general, I agree…but you are often judged by who your friends are. Despite the fact that it is ridiculous and unfair, it happens, and you probably do it too. Choose wisely where you stand and who you stand with.

• Be a good friend… If you make a friend, be one. First and foremost, listen…and pay attention, because you will be quizzed on it later. A friend has a basic expectation that you will remember what is important to them. Keep their confidences. Protect them in discussions when they are not able to protect themselves. Respect their ability to make other friends…because if they are a good friend for you, why wouldn’t they be a good friend for someone else? Be a good friend to their friends. Celebrate their victories and comfort them in their low times. Laugh with them. Cry with them. Want them to be happy.

• Who you marry… A friend, a partner, and most importantly…someone who will forgive you for the many mistakes you will no doubt make in the future. Choose this person even more wisely than all your friends. Pray about it. Set the bar high. Don’t marry someone and expect them to change for you. Don’t plan to “fix them.” Learn their core values and make sure they mesh with yours. Test them out in stressful situations. It’s kind of a test drive for what you are in for the rest of your life. Pray about it some more. Ask every question you can think of before putting on that ring, because the answers are harder to take after you’ve said the vows. Be sure. Be very, very sure.

• Once you are married… (I’ll have to deal with this later. Don’t really want to think that far ahead right now…and it’s kind of making me ill to think about it)

• Do you want a career or just a job? You should always “work to live, and not live to work,” but try to find something you enjoy doing. You will spend most of your weekday, daylight hours doing what you choose. Don’t hate it.

• Where you work… Within the confines of that career/job you must choose who your employer will be. Obviously, they will have something to do with that choice, and your first, second or third choice may not see the benefit of your unique skills, but DO NOT SETTLE…or at least, DO NOT SETTLE FOR LONG. You have to earn a living, but don’t get caught in a rut that you cannot escape from. If you don’t like where you are, keep looking and don’t be afraid to make the jump to something better. Life is short and it’s not worth working in a job you are miserable doing.

• How you work… Take pride in what you do, no matter what you do. Don’t look for the least that you can get away with and still get by. Find ways to improve what you do, even if it’s not noticed by anyone else. Make yourself invaluable. Be willing to learn, serve others and get your hands dirty. That will get you noticed. That will make you feel good about yourself at the end of a long day.

• Save… Easier said than done, I know, but tuck some money away for life’s little surprises. Only use it for emergencies (not vacations or a big screen television). Put it away somewhere safe, easily accessible, and keep adding to it. Then forget it’s there until you really need it.

• Be Frugal… Don’t waste money on pointless items. Set a budget and adhere to it. Make going out to eat a special event, not a daily menu option (you’ll always prefer Outback over home cooked veggies if you get the choice). Choose wisely what you truly need and what you think you want. Ten $5.00 frozen Frappaccinos from Starbucks add up to a really nice blouse. (And if you buy the ten Frappaccinos, then you not only won’t have the money for the clothing purchase, you’ll probably need a larger size blouse!)

• Give… Share what you receive with others. Tithe, be charitable, and give without looking back. If someone on the street asks you for a dollar for food and you have it to give, don’t question whether they are being honest or what they will do with the money. If they are lying about their need for the money, then they will face the consequences of that, not you. If they are telling the truth, then whatever you give them is not enough.

• Serve… Find a way to help others. Set aside specific time in your schedule to DO SOMETHING for other people. Think about what your gifts might be and how you can help, and then do it. Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back…it should be a part of our lives. I have failed miserably at this and I’m sorry I did not teach you better.

• Play… This beautiful world is an incredible playground. Don’t miss out on opportunities to play. Take a hike. Have a picnic. Fly a kite. Ride a bike in the country. Join a softball league. Have fun! (Just don’t rock climb or bungee jump or canoe the rapids. Skip all the truly dangerous stuff! Of course, you are your mother’s children too, so if you do plan to do any of those things, please don’t tell me about it!)

• Don’t waste time… I have wasted so much time. I’ve wasted time contemplating how much time I waste. Did I really need to watch that episode of Seinfeld for the fourth time? What do I gain from watching a reality show where other people are out doing something exciting? If it were truly inspiring, then I would miss the next week’s episode because I would be out doing something exciting myself! I’m not saying television is bad (you know me…I love television and movies), but don’t let it distract you from life. Change the name of the place where your TV sits from “Living Room” to “that place I go to rest after I’ve been out Living!”

• Be healthy… All that talk about food never tasting as good as being thin feels…that’s probably true. Personally, I may never know. Cajun Chicken Pasta tastes pretty darn good. Seriously though, this is another area of your life where I have set a terrible example. Forget everything I have ever taught you about Diet and exercise and start over. Do it now.

• Sleep… Never underestimate the benefits of a good night’s sleep. Your body needs it and your mind needs it. If you can take a twenty minute nap in the middle of the day, do it.

• Don’t waste time, part two… Make yourself a better person. Read more, find something that interests you and learn all you can about it. Be curious. Ask questions and demand answers. Get involved in issues that you care about. Vote!

• Do the right thing… Easy enough, right? Just don’t do anything wrong. Is that too lofty a goal? Maybe…but most goals are considered lofty at first. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Pray for guidance. Filter choices through your heart, and keep your heart in the right place. Use common sense. Most of the bad decisions I have made in my life (and there have been some humdingers!) were pretty obviously bad decisions in the first place but I stupidly, selfishly thought I could make it work on my own. And let’s face it…if you make an obviously bad decision…you are making it on your own. You’re not getting wisdom from a friend. You’re not getting guidance from above. You’re stepping out on that limb alone.

• Have Faith… when that limb does break (and it will), someone will be there to catch you.