Facebook Boogie

It's strange, my tortured relationship with this whole Facebook thing. It started as a way to check out what my kids were doing, and now it's my digital BFF. For me, it's become that little extra connection with home on all those nights spent in lonely hotel rooms. It's also become the High School Reunion I could not attend, putting me back in touch with friends I have not heard from in years.

I love the status updates my friends post. Without Facebook, how would I know that Mark just saw a movie or that Gina doesn't know where to go on vacation? Sometimes the updates are as mundane as "I'm having a cup of coffee," but I also learn about family events and health issues. We share life's victories and frustrations, laughs and tears, problems and solutions...and because we are all "Friends"....we care, right? Well, call me a sentimental fool, but I honestly think we do (at least a little bit).

Of course, it's not all daisies and grape kool aid in Facebook land. Like all good things, there are a few irritations. I wish that Friend requests allowed you to look at a person’s profile before you add them as a friend. It only seems right, doesn't it? Some names I recognize instantly, but others might need a little profile assist to help me remember just who you are (and whether you are worthy of being in my cherished friends list). I've had requests from folks who have no connection to me at all, but merely seem to be trying to boost their "friend" number. If that's what makes them happy, more power to them...but I'm a bit more selective. I am not a number. I'm a human being.

And speaking of "recognizing names," I often find myself scratching my head and asking "Who is this person?" when I look at my high school classmates list in Facebook. I've even pulled out my yearbook and tried to find them to no avail. What's up with that? It's a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, dipped in confusion.

Another problem with Facebook is the shifting of boundaries. The company that has employed me for the last nineteen years has it's own "group." Like I need that. Facebook is supposed to be my escape. I think about work much more than I should anyway. I keep getting "friend requests" or "friend suggestions" for people in my workplace. Some have been added (and don't you feel special now?), some have been ignored, while others wait in my mental reception area as I try to decide if they truly are "friends" or just "co-workers." Since I tend to vent, rant, tease and otherwise "expose myself" on my Facebook page, I have to ask, "how much do I really want them to know?"

Finally, I keep getting these "Bruce, your rankings have changed" emails. Now, I don't remember signing onto a Facebook application that would rank me against others. It's not the kind of thing I would do. I know how these things usually work out for me, and it's not good for my self-esteem. Still, I get these emails. Today, the email informs me that I lost my place in a number of races.

Changes in your ranks:

#7 most creative (lost 1 place)
#8 most powerful (lost 1 place)
#16 most cuddly (lost 2 places)
#16 most entertaining (lost 1 place)
#18 hottest (lost 1 place)

Who makes these lists? More importantly, why do I care that I am losing ground?Okay...I'll not even try to argue about the "most powerful" or "hottest" ranking. Frankly, I can't imagine what bizzarro universe exists where I even made those lists. More than likely, my inclusion is some kind of initiation ritual or hazing (you know the kind where the person who brings the ugliest or least socially acceptable to a party will win a prize). But I digress. I will admit that I might have had brief moments of creativity and potential entertainment value (usually at my own expense). I suppose that my placement on these lists say less about me than it does about everyone else on the list.

The one rank that bothers me most, the one that shall haunt me till the day I die, is that I only placed #16 as "most cuddly." How can this be? Who is cuddlier than I? More to the point, how can there be FIFTEEN people more cuddly than I? This has shaken me to my core. While others have dedicated their life to the betterment of others, or impressive works of artistic achievement, I have quietly dedicated myself to the subtle practice of cuddling. It is my gift. It is my curse. And yet, according to Facebook, it is just one more failure I must face. Most cuddly, I am not.

My one bit of delusional hope is that Facebook is now allowing Koala Bears to become members. Their cuddle powers tower over those of any mere mortal man.