Going 12 Rounds

I love movies. I have loved movies since I was a kid. I love walking into a dark theater with a massive cup of soda and bag of popcorn (no extra butter for me, if I am alone and get to choose). It may be hard for you to believe, but I am fairly picky about my moviegoing experience. I refuse to go if I am going to be late. I arrive in time for the previews, because they are often times better than the movie itself. I hate it when people talk during a movie. Just once I would love to go over to a couple of "movie talkers" and hand them five dollars and a note saying that they should go to a nice coffee shop and have a chat, because the rest of us paid to WATCH THE MOVIE! It also bugs me when people text during the movie. What is so important that it can't wait until the movie is over? I doubt that any of the teens that frequent the Oak Ridge Tinseltown theater are getting regular reports from the Pentagon on troop movements in Afghanistan. I know I should ignore it, but every time I see one of those obnoxious glows pop up in the corner of my eye, I want hurl my half gallon of Diet Coke right at them.

This evening I was in a mood for a movie. The thought of another night staring at the television or my computer screen in my lonely hotel room was getting me depressed. I braved the crowded Metro and headed to Gallery Place/Chinatown Regal Theater. I have been there many times in the past, and knew what to expect. DC is a totally different atmosphere to see a film than Oak Ridge. People don't just talk to each other, they carry on boisterous conversations. They don't just text on their cell phones, they answer calls, make calls, check sports scores and play video games. For a movie-going snob like myself, it's an air conditioned version of Hell.

I learned from previous visits not to go to a movie I really cared about in DC. I ended up angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. I tend to pout. If I really want to see a movie in DC, I try to choose movies where I can leave my brain a the door. Loud, action movies that will help me tune out the conversations behind me about someones cousins hernia operation. Not that I don't love a good "hernia operation" story, but there has to be a right time and a right place. Movie theater: not one of them.

Tonight I chose to watch "12 Rounds," starring John Cena. I was vaguely aware that he is a wrestler for the WWE or the WWF or the VFW or something, but I knew little about the man. I normally stay away from movies starring wrestlers, boxers or Nascar drivers...it's a little rule that has served me well in the past, but he was not the reason I wanted to see this movie. "12 Rounds" was directed by Renny Harlin, who I'm sure you all know directed Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Mindhunters and Deep Blue Sea, just to name a few. He's a dependable action director, who always seems to add an extra touch of humor and character to his films. I'm a fan.

So, despite the wrestler star, I settled in and was ready to enjoy a good little thrill ride. The previews had led me to believe that it was a cross between Speed and Die Hard With a Vengeance (which, in case you don't remember, was the third Die Hard and had a story line which involved Bruce Willis being forced to run all over New York City playing a sick game with a vengeful master criminal). As the movie progressed, I realized I had been 99.9% correct (I just can't imagine it being possible that I would ever be 100% correct about anything), and the movie was EXACTLY the slightly hyper, not very bright child of Speed and Die Hard with a Vengeance!

John Cena, it turns out, was a decent leading man. He showed some range, including anger, warmth, humor, constipation (which I think was supposed to be sadness, but the way he gritted his teeth made me think otherwise). He'll definitely never win an Oscar, and will probably never be allowed to attend the ceremony, but for a B-grade action movie, he was pretty good.

The "12 Rounds" of the title are individual tasks that Cena must overcome in order to beat the villain (who has kidnapped Cena's girlfriend). Somewhere near "round 6" I started thinking "are they really going to do 12 of these?" The answer was "yes...count them...twelve." It went a little long, and although some of the action was impressive, I grew a little bored.

Then came the ending. Wow. My jaw dropped. My breath froze. I was amazed. I instantly lost twenty five IQ points just by experiencing it.

This is what I don't understand. A big budget movie is not made by one person. If it were made by just one person, I could understand that they might miss something. They are under a lot of pressure, and in the creation of their masterpiece, they might not notice something that would otherwise seem glaring. No, a big budget studio movie is made by TEAMS of people. Before and after a script is purchased, it is read by teams of script analysts, producers, lawyers, budget analysts, etc, etc. They all are a piece of the movie making puzzle, and they all have comments on the script. Sometimes (usually) the script is re-written. Sometimes by teams of writers.

There is the pre-production process, where the Producers, Director, and other vital members of the crew dissect the script and plan for the individual scenes. Lots more teams are involved in this process. They all have access to the the script and they all have some type of input on the finished film.

Filming begins and the actors (or wrestlers) get involved. They have access to the script and the have some type of input on the finished film. More teams and crews are involved during the filming process, and once again, they have some type of input on the finished film.

Let me back up and point out that someone agreed to pay for all this. They read the script (or at least I assume they read it...maybe they have pretty girls with British accents read them all of the scripts. That might explain a lot. Everything sounds better when read with a British accent). Millions of dollars are on the line at this point and by the time the film finishes production, it could easily be forty to eighty million for a film of this scope. That doesn't count marketing and print costs (each theater gets its own copy of the film, and printing 2500 copies of a film is not cheap). Making a studio film is a major investment.

So, the film is edited and previewed for the Producers, Studio Execs and Marketing experts at Fox Studios. They all sat silently as the finale of the film rolled by. They patted themselves on the back, smoked some expensive Cuban cigars and went to sleep that night dreaming of the money they were going to make off this wrestler movie called "12 Rounds."

Only they all missed something important. The ending is ridiculous. Not just a little bit ridiculous, it's laugh out loud, stunningly off the chart ridiculous. I do not have a problem suspending disbelief in the name of a good time at the movies. When the bus jumped the section of the unfinished freeway in Speed, I knew it was kind of crazy, but I was having such a good time, I didn't care. I can watch Indiana Jones escape a nuclear explosion without loosing any of his greying chest hair all day long (that didn't sound quite the way I meant it to). But sometimes a movie crosses the line to such a degree that it completely ruins the movie.

Spoiler Alert (the next paragraphs give away the ending of 12 Rounds. If you are dying to see this movie without having the ending ruined, then don't read further. Also, don't see the movie trailer, because the ending is shown there as well): In the "twelfth" round, the villain is forcing Cena's girlfriend to pilot a medical helicopter full of cash hidden in a soaking wet body bag to a country that has liberal extradition laws (in case you are wondering, no, this was not the stupid part). While she is trying to take off, Cena arrives at the hospital, makes it up to the roof of the multi-storied building and makes a lengthy leap off the roof to catch one skid of the chopper, where he hangs on for dear life (no, still not to the stupid part). Cena and the villian battle for control of a gun as they hang out the door of the helicopter and precede to shoot various important looking parts of the engine (we know the are important because we get close-ups of liquid pouring out). Finally, they both get inside, where Cena uses his brute Wrestling skills to thrash the villain around the interior, eventually knocking him unconscious.

Problem #1: After all the villain had put him through that day, including the kidnapping of his girlfriend/helicopter pilot, the murder of his partner, blowing up his house and his plumber (you had to be there), and killing an overweight security guard who had a wife and kids (he made sure to point that out just before he died), the audience was more than ready to see Cena grab the guy by the collar and toss him out the door to his deserved death. It's a movie, we can be a bit bloodthirsty. But no, what does he do? He turns his back on him and starts chatting with his girlfriend/chopper pilot about how they might crash. Dumb.

The villain attacks again and Cena uses his Wrestler superpowers to stop him, but the villain has one more surprise up his sleeve. He's wired to explode. He laughs, telling them they will all die and he's won the game. Ha Ha. Ha Ha. Ha Ha. (you had to imagine an evil villain laugh right there, otherwise, it was just kind of lame).

Cena, not to be outdone, and because it would really suck for the hero and his girl to die, grabs his girl from her pilot seat and says "Do you trust me?"

Problem #2: Cena and girlfriend/helicopter pilot stand on the skid of the helicopter that has been shot up and is about to crash. AMAZINGLY, and without anyone at the controls, the chopper hovers, almost frozen, over a high rise apartment complex. CONVENIENTLY, there is a rooftop pool. With STUNNING precision, Cena and girlfriend/helicopter pilot jump directly into the center of the small pool. The helicopter explodes (actually, the villain exploded and he just happened to still be inside the helicopter) and cash rains down on the pool, but LUCKILY no propellers, burning fuel or large chunks of metallic debris fall on Cena and girlfriend/helicopter pilot.

Cena and girlfriend/helicopter pilot live Happily Ever After.

Back to my point (and I do have one, believe it or not): How did someone involved, out the hundreds of people involved on this film, not say to someone at some point, "you know, that ending is kind of stupid." And how did that not start a chain reaction of agreements that YES, that ending IS kind of stupid. There are probably 500 better ways to end the movie than what is there, and yet no one had the nerve, brains, guts or common sense to suggest them. You'd think this film was made by the execs at AIG.