Living

Bad things happen. It rarely makes sense and it’s rarely fair. It is the curse of life that we must also deal with death; both our own and of those we know and love.

Yesterday morning I learned that a co-worker and friend had passed away in the night. Darrell was only 38 years old and his sudden death came as a shock to all of those who knew him. He did not have time to say goodbye to his wife and young daughter. They did not have time to say goodbye to their loving husband and father. With the speed of the cold, smothering darkness when a light switch is abruptly turned off, he was gone. Eventually the memory of the light and warmth he brought to their lives will bring them comfort…but it will take time to get past the horrible shock of the moment.

In contrast to Darrell’s unexpected death, I learned last night that another friend back home in Shelbyville had passed away after a long, courageous battle with cancer. Debbie was just a little older than me. Her sister Jeannie and I went to school together, and like a lot of old friends have reconnected through Facebook. For the last year and a half I have watched their struggles and triumphs during treatment, as they fought to squeeze every last drop out of life before it slipped away. The photos of those smiling sisters, who didn’t let the gloom of the situation or the probability of the outcome stop them from living, were an inspiration and will continue to inspire as a way to deal with cancer and the threat of death with strength, humor and grace.

I cannot say that I knew Debbie or Darrell extremely well. They were both part of that periphery of friends who float in and out of our lives almost without notice until they are gone. It is only when you realize that you have missed that opportunity to know them better…to see them again…that you realize what you have lost.

My heart aches for their families. Both are dealing with loss and extreme pain. Whether you know the end is coming or it comes like lightening from a clear, blue sky, it hurts. I pray for comfort and some eventual peace for them all.

It’s natural (at least, I hope it’s natural and not just me being supremely selfish) to put ourselves into the situation. Most of yesterday I thought of my own family. I imagined the unbearable pain I would feel if I lost one of them, or the pain it might cause them if I were suddenly gone. I am far less frightened at the thought of dying than I am of the image of my wife and children having to deal with it. I don’t consider myself all that special, but I am who they’ve got. Even in my most self-deprecating moments, I know it would not be easy on them. Not for me, but for them, I pray they do not have to face that any time soon.

This year and this decade is barely a month old and we’ve already experienced death on a massive scale through the images of the catastrophe in Haiti. Now, some of us are dealing with it on a personal one. It’s a reminder that death is a constant, and somewhere, at any given time, there is a family that is experiencing a loss. They mourn their loved one, but also the fact that the life they knew will forever be changed. The fragile fabric of their existence has been torn and must be slowly and gently altered into something that fits the new direction they have suddenly been forced to take.

Although we can try to ignore the possibility of death, we can’t hide from it. It will eventually find us, and those we love. I’ve had these wake-up calls before, and after a while I’ve lazily fallen back into the slumber of the life I allow myself to live. Once again, I find myself saying (and hoping that I do better this time) that I need to live a life without regret; with purpose and a sense of urgency.

I know with every ounce of my being that I love my wife, my children and my family…but shame on me if I don’t tell them and show them every chance I get. There should never be a doubt in their mind or mine that we left anything unsaid. I pray that I will be quick to apologize for my many and ongoing mistakes. And for their sake, let them always know that no matter what is said or done, I have forgiven them before they even ask.

Yes, bad things do happen. The worst thing of all would be not to love and live to the fullest while we have the chance.