My Two Cents...(not worth a nickel)

There are two sides to every story, and usually both have their fair share of merits and flaws. My two youngest daughters find particular joy in ratting each other out. Whether it’s a border issue (“she stepped inside my room!”) or a more flagrant drawing of first blood (“she hit me!”), they push their composure to the point of tears, demanding that we seek justice to the fullest extent of punishment allowed.

It’s frustrating, but almost comical, as the “she said-she said” back and forth begins. As one stands accused, they offer their rebuttal of innocence (“I went in her room to get the CD she stole from me,” and the ever present “she hit me first”). We listen as they rage, pointing fingers and looking to us for retribution, which we are unfit to provide. King Solomon himself would likely listen to their tirades for five minutes and glaze over as we do, shrugging and responding “I don’t know, whatever.”

That’s the problem with most quarrels. When both are at fault in some basic way, neither party seems mature and responsible enough to accept their portion of blame and walk away with a handshake and the mutual agreement to not behave moronically again. It’s an unfortunate part of our nature, obviously, to want full reparations for our perceived slight without recognizing our own culpability. Sibling relations, friendships, and even marriages have been destroyed because of this fundamentally human trait. It’s also the basic cause for every war throughout history. "I’m right, you’re wrong!" There is no in between.

This week we’ve seen a similar story played out on the national news. Prominent Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. was arrested last Thursday on charges of “disorderly conduct.” It all started innocently enough, with a neighbor trying to do the right thing. They saw someone trying to break into Mr. Gates home and called the police. Unbeknownst to the neighbor and the responding officer, it was Gates himself, who had forgotten his keys, forcing his way into his own home.

Rationally thinking, this should have been quickly resolved and ended with some smiles and “thank you’s,” but not on that day. According to the arrest report, Mr. Gates explained that the home was his, so the officer asked for some form of photo identification with address that would prove his statement. Gates refused to show his ID, claiming that he was only being treated this way because he was black man. He began yelling “This is what happens to black men in America!” and “You don’t know who you’re messing with.”

Obviously, the police report could be leaving out some details. I don’t know the tone of voice the officer used when questioning Mr. Gates. I don’t know to what degree, if any, they used aggressive methods in the early part of their encounter. As far as the policemen knew, they were responding to a burglary, so they did not walk in expecting to find a Harvard Professor who happened to live there. It was a “perfect storm” for confusion and misunderstanding.

Now, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that most of this would have been avoided if Mr. Gates had responded to the police arrival with some logic, patience and understanding. Answering calmly to the police questions, even if guns were drawn and tensions were high, would have gone a long way toward diffusing the situation. An immediate offer to show his Driver’s License would have probably ended the episode with the mutual understanding that the police were doing their job and he was doing what he had the right to do as a resident (enter his own home).

I don’t think requesting to see a photo ID is an outrageous request. If that were not allowed, and all anyone had to say was, “I live here, get out,” then we would have very few arrests for burglary, and a lot of angry homeowners with missing property. Are the police supposed to just turn and leave, saying, “Alright buddy, I’ll take your word for it!” Maybe if the robbers tell them that they are moving the cops will stay and help load the van!

Personally, if a neighbor calls 911 saying that someone is breaking into my home; I hope the police respond quickly and with guns drawn. If it happens to be me climbing in the window, I’m going to raise my hands and say “I forgot my key, check my wallet after you handcuff me!”

That said, I have to admit the obvious…I am not a black man living in America. I have not dealt with racial profiling or police pulling my car over just because of the color of my skin. My reaction might be different because I would give the police the benefit of the doubt that they will do the right thing. If I have done nothing wrong, I won’t get in trouble, right? That’s easy for me to say.

Gates was not arrested for breaking into his own home, however. He was arrested for “disorderly conduct.” Sgt. James Crowley lists the reason in his arrest report (and I quote):

“…Henry Gates, Jr…was placed under arrest…after being observed exhibiting loud and tumultuous behavior, in a public place, directed at a uniformed police officer who was present investigating a report of a crime in progress. These actions on behalf of Gates served no legitimate purpose and caused citizens passing by this location to stop and take notice while appearing surprised and alarmed.”

Can I use this on my kids? Can I lock them up for arguing with me in the aisles of Wal-Mart, causing other shoppers to look on us with “surprise and alarm?” If it’s that easy, I’m all for it! Even at home, during the refereeing of sisterly grudge matches, I’ve had to call “foul” and warn them that the “neighbors might hear.” Can I toss them in the dungeon for that? I had no idea!

Honestly, I don’t know if this officer, Sgt. James Crowley, is racist…as he is being accused by Professor Gates. He might be a good police officer who was just trying to do his job. He is a veteran officer with an exemplary record. But I think he let his emotions get the best of him, just like Gates. Once he realized that the outcome of the initial burglary call was a non-issue, he should have backed down. He should have walked to his car while Gates stood on the porch calling him names and simply driven away, letting the entire incident fade into a story to tell the wife or laugh about with buddies at a bar. There were no punches being thrown, no weapons being drawn, and no apparent threat of violence. The only wound was to his tender pride, and he refused to let it go untreated.

Now it is a media event, with both these previously unknown names and faces splashed across the nightly news and morning wake-up shows, creating further argument about racial tension in America. Even President Obama discussed it in his prime-time address last night, and if he had only asked me I could have told him something I thought he should have already known (being the father of two daughters himself). You don’t choose sides when both are behaving childishly.

Yes, it was “stupid.” I won’t argue with that. The arrest never should have happened and it was a “stupid” thing for the officer to do. Professor Gates was stupid when he forgot his keys (and I’ve been stupid that way many times myself). He was also stupid for protesting something that wasn’t necessarily a racial attack…just the police trying to protect his property from robbery. The whole mess stinks with “stupid.”

Finally, the officer is now on video, broadcast on a local Boston news channel, saying that he will not apologize and never will. I’ve heard that before. I’ve seen my daughters stomp off to their rooms and slam their doors, mumbling under their breath about the incredible injustice of it all. Neither can see an ounce of guilt in their own actions and are shocked that the world doesn’t see it as clearly as they do.

As for myself, I’ve been married long enough that I know that “apology is the best policy,” and I do it without question or hesitancy. I’m a big believer in apologies. I can sincerely apologize for almost anything, even if I didn’t have anything to do with it. Living with four women I have realized that the simple act of breathing sometimes puts me at fault, so I just drop my head, eat some crow and say “I’m sorry.” It’s so much easier than the constant battles that no one can win. Life’s too short to be angry over “stupid” things all the time.