Why I Hate John McCain

Okay, I don’t really “hate” John McCain. Besides being a war hero he seems like a pretty decent fellow who sincerely wants to do what he thinks is right for our country. Even if I don’t always agree with him, I can’t hate him for that. If I ever met him, I’d probably even bypass the handshake and give the old guy a hug. He’s kind of cuddly.

I don’t even hate him for introducing Sarah Palin into our National consciousness. It was a shrewd move, and in nine out of ten elections it would have probably paid off. His staff failed him miserably though by not researching her background and family situations a little better. A quick lift on the edge of the governor’s office carpet would have probably found enough dirt to say “lets hold off for now until a cleaning crew makes another pass,” but that’s not John McCain’s fault. He went with his gut feeling, something I kind of admire.

Besides, she’s pretty darn beautiful. Before I heard her speak I too was hypnotized by her dazzling smile and even had the brief temptation to take up moose hunting, strip mine the Smoky Mountains and go to war with anyone who doesn’t speak English. Fortunately, she started talking and hasn’t stopped since, so I’m constantly reminded that some of her ideas and mine are about as far apart as Alaska is from Tennessee.

No, the reason I’m upset with John McCain, and why I might never be able to forgive him, is that he has unleashed the disease that is “Levi Johnston” on an innocent, unsuspecting world. While most of the tabloid garbage or mistakes you step in eventually gets thrown out or scrapped off your shoe, this kid doesn’t seem to go away. He is evil and he must be stopped.

Although he started out with the charming admission that he was just a “#%@ing redneck” from Wasilla, Alaska who didn’t like big cities and all the attention, he took to the cameras and microphones like a pro. Once the election was over and the prospect of actual parental responsibilities was evident, he and Bristol broke up and he started a media feud with the Palins.

For a kid who didn’t want the attention, he searched it out with the relish and destructive power of a wild hog rooting for truffles. He hired a lawyer and a publicist (ironically named “Tank”), who arranged for his appearances in countless television interviews and a variety of print articles. He even appeared in a recent photo spread in GQ magazine, shirtless while holding his naked baby. Something tells me that the magazine should either rethink its photo subjects or change its name once again. Even abbreviated, “Gentlemen’s Quarterly” is not entirely accurate when you promote a nineteen year old rube who’s only verified accomplishment in life has been impregnating a teenage girl. That, my friends, is no “gentleman.”

It has also been announced that Levi Johnston has been offered a lead role in a movie with a former Miss Oregon (and “Apprentice” contestant). I’m rooting for a snuff film, personally, but the simple fact that he has parlayed a youthful indiscretion into a film career is particularly disheartening. There’s also talk of a reality show, of course, and I have to wonder what kind of sad, miserable life forms will sit and watch this preening, egomaniac strut through his day to day life, vainly attempting to extend his 15 minutes of fame into what has surely been a lifetime by now.

The fact that our culture can turn this kid into a source of news probably says more about us than it does about him. Kato Kaelin, Jessica Hahn, Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline….and now Levi Johnston. Famous for being famous and relatively useless otherwise. It’s enough to make a person cry for the future of our society.

I’m betting that John McCain shakes his head and possibly sheds a tear every time he sees an interview with this empty headed media hound that he unintentionally wrought upon us. Levi Johnston, who says he only wants to speak the “truth” but doesn’t seem to know what that word means anymore than the words “honor,” “respect,” or “decorum,” is an embarrassment to himself and humanity. Here’s hoping he goes away soon.